After contemplating about the nature of my punctuality, from the days in high school, when I usually showed up an hour before the flag ceremony commenced, to the days in which I planned on starting this website, I realized that I was inclined to arrive earlier than the supposed time not because of the perceived advantages that I can reap, but of the assumption that there was nothing else to do at the state from which I departed from.
It also doesn’t help that considerable punishment awaits tardy people. My single moment of tardiness throughout my high school life gave me an automatic fail for my Religion exam. Aside from that and a few minor mishaps, getting to my point of arrival as early as possible had been a self-proclaimed virtue. That lasted until the class of 2009 graduated and my friends went to begin their collegiate career while I had to postpone my own.
Relinquishing the virtue of punctuality introduced me to my first of many existential dreads. I was left behind. Although my friends were somewhat understanding and hopeful for my situation, I still felt embarrassed about it. The future depended on papers and approvals, on the mythical American dream. I desired to move on from an uninspiring situation, but I had nowhere else to go. I was stuck. I had the chance to contemplate on the uncertainty of my life, but I never did. I was only a 15-year-old non-student who was stubborn enough to insist that forcing things to happen in your life only exists in a delusional mind.
I was truly naïve the way that I held myself up to meet standards and embody virtues when I rarely make an effort to do so because I thought that I could get anything I want even with unhoned attempts. Privilege from private education, from being born male, no matter how paltry, can really bloat the sense of self-entitlement on a man.
I haven’t yet recovered from that obstacle, and I think it was because my brain refused to acquire and store any valuable lesson. I would still try to make things work, even though it felt most of the time like I was trying to align the heavenly bodies to open the gates of prestige with my two soft, non-calloused hands.
As the processes of the world become faster with technology and the Internet, I simply can’t keep up. I’m running a little late, maybe longer. It feels like I'm being punished, but I had no idea how to atone myself. I can only hope that they will understand why, and it will be worth the wait.